This year, two people have told me about the book What to Do When You Worry Too Much by Dawn Huebner. The first was Mrs. Flannelly, my fellow counselor at Yorkshire. The second was one of my fifth grade students, and that discussion sparked the creation of the first of the Worry Club small groups. I now have three up and running – one at East York and two at Yorkshire.

My worriers tend to be smart, imaginative kids, which has prompted us to discuss how imagination can be a double-edged sword. The same kids who create fantastic stories, poems and pictures are able to imagine all sorts of horrible possibilities that most of us never consider.

Like anger, worry is a natural feeling, but one that we need to learn to manage rather than letting it manage us. In her book, Huebner compares worries to tomato plants – the more we tend to them, the bigger they become. Neglect, on the other hand, can cause both plants and worries to shrivel up and wither away, an outcome that’s obviously more desirable in the second case than the first.

In our groups, we’ve been discussing Huebner’s strategies, and devising some of our own. Our ideas include using logic, making a plan, setting aside a worry time and using physical activity to chase away our worries.

At first, I was worried that all of this discussion of worries would increase anxiety in my group members, but I’ve discovered that quite the opposite is  true. For most of my group members, talking about worries helps to normalize fears – kids are relieved to find that others share their concerns! In addition, putting the worry on the table is a lot like picking a tomato and placing it on the window sill – it’s still there, but it doesn’t continue to grow.

For more information about worrying and worry strategies, go to worrywisekids.org. For a peek inside Huebner’s book, go to amazon.com, or contact Mrs. Hess to borrow a copy.

Asking for help can be one of the most intimidating things a parent has to do. Yet, when it comes to our children, we’re usually willing to do whatever it takes (within reason) to help them develop into happy, healthy adults.

Sometimes, that means seeking outpatient counseling. What many families don’t realize, however, is that all therapists are not created equal. Psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, counselors and pastors all fall under the “therapist” category. In addition, there are counseling psychologists, clinical psychologists, family therapists, play therapists, art therapists…the list is overwhelming. And, unfortunately, the framed degrees on the wall don’t offer any guarantee that a mental health professional, no matter how well-trained, will have chemistry with your child or your family.

Before you throw your hands up in utter frustration, here are a few things to keep in mind:

• A psychiatrist has a medical degree, which means he or she can write prescriptions and monitor medications. Psychiatrists can also provide therapy, but most children don’t need to see a psychiatrist unless they need medication, or you are seeking a specific diagnosis.
• Which therapist you go to matters much less than how comfortable you are with that therapist. All the degrees in the world won’t make up for a lack of chemistry between therapist and client. If there’s no chemistry after the first few sessions, move on.
• There’s a difference between chemistry and growth. Change takes time, no matter how good your rapport with your counselor. While it’s beneficial to try a different counselor if there’s no connection after a rew sessions, frequent changes, stops and starts will only make the progress longer and more difficult.
• School-age children often benefit most from active therapies, such as play therapy and art therapy. In addition, these kinds of therapists are often used to working with children, and find it easy to make a connection, even with very young children.

If you would like more information on mental health professionals in the York area, please feel free to contact me.

Last year’s groups are winding down and new groups are gearing up! Pat Mussano from Family-Child Resources has been with us at East York for several weeks now, running two small groups – one for third graders and one for fifth graders. The response from the kids has been positive, and I’m pleased that we can offer this additional small group opportunity for our students.

Small groups give kids the opportunity to interact in a small setting on a variety of topics. They help to build confidence, social skills, and often friendships as well. In a perfect world, every child would have the opportunity to be in one. At East York and Yorkshire, I try to balance small group interactions with large group classroom lessons and individual conversations in order to reach as many children as possible.

My own small groups at East York and Yorkshire currently encompass several girls’ groups, two worry clubs and a group for fifth graders whose parents are divorced. I’m looking forward to adding at least one new girls’ group and a boys’ group to the docket at East York as soon as my existing girls’ groups finish up their respective runs.

I’ve already had some requests from my kiddos to include them as I plan future groups. If you think your child would benefit from being in a small group, please feel free to contact me. Pat may be rejoining us in the spring as time and enrollment permit, and I am hoping to get a few new Yorkshire groups started, as well as perhaps squeezing in one more EY group in the spring.

One of my favorite parenting books is Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child. Subtitled A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic, this book does a wonderful job of describing how these kinds of traits occur along a continuum – some children demonstrate low levels of these traits, others demonstrate high levels – and the interaction between their personalities and our parenting styles can make or break our home lives.

In the first chapter, Kurcinka discusses the characteristics of the spirited child. The descriptions below detail children who have a high degree of each behavior.

1. Intensity: Can be expressed in loud and dramatic behavior or quiet, intently observant behavior. (Outward vs. inward intensity)
2. Persistence: The child who won’t give up…ever.
3. Sensitivity: “Every sensation and emotion is absorbed by them, including your feelings.” (No pressure there, right??)
4. Perceptiveness: They notice everything, but are often accused of not listening.
5. Adaptability: Transitions are difficult for these children – they are uncomfortable  with change.

Kurcinka also describes four “bonus” traits: regularity, energy, first reaction and mood. And, just to keep things interesting, siblings may differ greatly in not only how much of these traits they possess, but how (and when and how much) they express them. And, since we’re talking about personality traits, which are, by definition, stable and enduring, we parents have them, too. Fun, right?

I read this book when my daughter was small, but I recommend it to parents of children of all ages. My favorite parts are the ends of the chapters where Kurcinka explores how to manage the similarities and discrepancies between your child’s personality and your own. In this case, sometimes opposites do attract; at other times, they’re clueless. Until you’ve lived in a highly sensitive body, for example, you can never fully understand why tags are annoying and why the seams of socks must sit just so on the foot.

I have one copy of Raising Your Spirited Child in the East York Parenting Library, which I will happily share, and I am in the process of getting one for Yorkshire as well. As always, if you would like to discuss this information in further detail, please feel free to call me at 885-1240 x4030, or email me at lhess@yssd.org.

In light of the recent news reports about Penn State, I thought this might be a timely read. It’s adapted from an article of the same title that originally appeared in the Family-Child Resources newsletter, The Resource in May 2008.

Disturbing events, whether happening in our local community or brought “close to home” because of heavy media coverage, can raise concerns for parents. But, there are things we can do to help children to feel safe, and to help ourselves as parents feel less vulnerable.

For children of any age, reassurance and a listening ear are key. Reassure your children that one of your jobs as a parent is to keep them safe, and, if necessary give examples of ways you do this and rules you make that support this. Listen fully to the questions they ask so that you are giving them only the information they want. If you’re not sure what they’re asking, ask a question or two to clarify. These clarifying questions have saved many parents from unnecessarily uncomfortable discussions!

Remember, too to match the information you share to the age of your child. What you tell a five year old about sexual abuse will be very different from what you tell a twelve year old. As you formulate your response, ask yourself what level of detail your child needs to have.

For elementary-aged students and “tweens,” simply being available is perhaps most important. As kids struggle to achieve independence, they are often interested in calling the shots when it comes to what they share and when. When they do open up, listening is once again key. Keep your answers short and sweet so they don’t tune out. They can always ask another question if they need more information.

Point out the skills your children already possess with respect to personal safety, and make sure to periodically review existing safety rules, such as do’s and don’ts for when they are home alone and and guidelines for staying safe online.

Teach your children respect - not only for others, but for themselves, as well, so that they understand that expecting others to respect them is the norm. Clarify where they can go or who they can talk to if they feel disrespected or unsafe, and identify times when talking to a friend may not be enough.

Look for opportunities to convey your concerns and values in a non-lecturing fashion. Asking your child’s opinion about popular culture (clothing, music, tv) is often a good way to start these kinds of conversations. Show respect for your child’s opinions when he expresses them, and if you disagree, explain why. These kinds of conversations lay the foundation for pre-adolescents to weight the pros and cons in their own minds when you’re not around.

Whenever possible, listen more than you talk. As soon as we devolve into lecture mode, either with the tone we take or the volume of our words, kids stop listening.

Chances are, you’re already doing many of these things. Though we can’t build a protective shield around our kids, we can equip them to know what acceptable behavior looks like, and how to respond appropriately if someone – even a friend – fails to treat them with respect.

If your child has ever experienced a temper tantrum, the thought of listening to the audio playback might fill you with as much dread as the threat of another tantrum. But, that’s just what researchers Michael Potegal and James A. Green did. And, they discovered that tantrums have predictable courses and intense, intertwined emotions.

In an article on the NPR website by Shankar Vedantam, Potegal and Green share their thoughts on toddler tantrums.

“The impression that tantrums have two stages is incorrect,” Potegal said. “In fact, the anger and the sadness are more or less simultaneous.”

According to Potegal, the trick to ending the tantrum as soon as possible is to get the child past the peaks of anger. Then, what is left is sadness, which motivates children to reach out for comfort, a task most parents feel better equipped to handle than a tantrum.